Generating confidence
Photo by Roko Labrovic on Unsplash
Something a handful of people know or remember about me is that once upon a time, my self esteem was basically non-existant. I was incredibly shy as a kid, and then as I grew older it seemed like my progress was always ‘one step forward, two steps back.’ It’s like I’d make a few little wins, start feeling good about myself, and then I’d stumble back into the trenches. Life was tough.
Nowadays, people tell me I’m confident and I can agree—I’ve worked for it, earned it. I say to people now, “confidence is a gain not a given.” I think we all differ in terms of what age we gain confidence—some of us are lucky enough to bag it up as kids, some of not so lucky. I consider myself fortunate to have gained my confidence in my late twenties / early thirties. I’ve also learned that confidence is something that waxes and wanes—I don’t feel 100% every single day, but I’ve learned how to fine tune my actions to generate a sense of confidence.
So here I am, feeling pretty darn good about myself, and I want to share with you some ways in which I’ve learned to build and sustain confidence—that sense of feeling good, and like you can achieve just about anything.
Stop comparing yourself to others
Social media presents distorted pictures of reality. It showcases the highlights, rather than the lowlights. Success is never linear, and yet it tends to get portrayed this way in our media. You fail to see the sacrifices, the losses, the unfortunate and just plain ugly parts of life. If you find yourself scrolling for hours on end and feel your joy slipping away for any reason, then put yourself on a social media hiatus. Try taking a break for a day, a week, or more.
Last year (2023) around August, I decided to take a break from social media. First I stopped posting, and deleted all but one app (Instagram, because friends message me on there sometimes). Then I stopped scrolling.
After I paused my activities, I surprised myself by staying off the apps for longer than I had intended. My goal was three weeks, but I ended up going about eight weeks without consuming social media. Instead I switched to watching easy-going TV shows (like the Golden Girls!), reading, and also playing solitaire or mahjong. I also picked up a cross stitch and worked on it from time to time.
A funny thing is that my cat was not a fan of me playing solitaire at night before bed—I’d sit there and play a few games and he couldn’t understand why he wasn’t allowed to lay down on the cards. So he’d run off and sit in the middle of the bedroom floor and glare at me. I wish I had a photo of those moments, but I’ll share a photo of him anyway because who doesn’t love a moment of cat?
That’s my Watson. He always looks mildly disappointed, whether I’m playing cards or not 😂
To take a break from social media, try one or more of the following:
Only allow yourself to post your own content and respond to comments, but take a break from scrolling.
Take a break from fast media (the scroll machines like Instagram / reels, X, Tik Tok) and only commit to consuming slow media, like newsletters or long-form articles and videos.
Completely stop using all social media and engage with or find hobbies to fill your spare time—maybe you’ve got some projects you never finished, or want to learn something new. You could even trade out your social media time with learning by signing up for something like Skillshare or Masterclass instead! Masterclass is my personal favorite, I watch it instead of scrolling at times—there’s so much good content on there, and its delivered at a nice pace too.
Maybe social media isn’t your problem, and you’re comparing yourself to others that you know personally. In that case, I’d suggest letting go of comparing yourself to them; instead, start comparing yourself today to who you were yesterday.
Nonetheless, your beauty and brilliance are within you already, and your job is to carve that out, day by day. Remember you are the architect of your existence. The more you can be true to yourself—the more you try new things and find out what most authentically resonates within your heart—the more authentic you’ll become, and the more life will reward you… and you’ll feel great.
Stop bullying yourself
Have you ever been bullied? Ever been made fun of? Or worse—ever been in a toxic or abusive relationship? I think so many of us wind up being hard on ourselves and bullly ourselves because we’ve received it externally at some point in our lives. I had a real bad case of this after leaving a toxic relationship years ago, my ex’s harsh critcisms implanted themselves deep into my brain and I found myself continuing to be incredibly, insensibly hard on myself long after I’d cut ties with my ex. I know most of us experience things like this, it’s life—some people are messed up and act malevolently. But please—do not continue doing this to yourself, ok? We can rewrite those scripts.
Here’s a practice I want you to try if you are being hard on yourself. Whether that harshness comes from having experienced it from someone else, or for some other reasons, do this: Download a meditation app or go to YouTube and look for a loving kindness guided meditation (also known as metta or metta bhavana). Here’s a handy visual guide for you to check out from the American Heart Association (it’s just one exaple, a quick google will take you to loads of resources).
Practicing this meditation changed my entire outlook. It was through practicing meditation that I was able to tune into my thoughts and realized how incredibly negative and self-harming they tended to be. Then I started practicing metta bhavana. It was really hard at first, but like building a muscle, over time I learned to cultivate compassion for myself and others. Nowadays I don’t sit in meditation as much, but I do lean on the metta bhavana pattern of thinking in my thoughts and prayers.
If you try this and struggle with it, then try joining a local meditation group. If you’re really struggling, then seek some therapy. There’s no shame in seeking professional help, I’ve had plenty of it myself, and am grateful for every therapist I’ve had throughout my life as they’ve help me to improve my mindset.
Give yourself the gift of kindness and compassion. Learn to overcome and reprogram negative thought patterns… May you be happy, may you be well, may you live with ease. You deserve it.
Embrace mistakes and failures
“There are no mistakes, only happy accidents.” —Bob Ross
Bob Ross said it best, mistakes are just chances to learn something new or pivot points where you can try something a little different. Another phrase that comes to mind is “fail forward,” which means embracing failure for the lessons it serves you. Every mistake, every failure we experience is a lesson that teaches us something about how to proceed. We gain knowledge and wisdom through our mistakes and failures. While it’s ok to feel down and out when you have mishaps, remember that ultimately it is a lesson and is making you stronger and better for future attempts at whatever you’re doing.
Here’s a fun / huge mistake I made recently when renovating my house: One weekend, I painted water-based paint over a large and complex surface that had (unbeknownst to me) previously been painted with oil-based paint. Anyone who’s done this before knows that if you paint water-based paint over oil-based, the water-based paint just doesn’t stick—even thought it might look like it when you’re applying it.
I finished this painting job, felt so proud of the result, and then noticed the next day that when I brushed up against the newly painted surface, some of it came off 😖
So, I spent a couple of days undoing this mistake—I had to scrape all the paint off and then start over by sanding the old surface and priming it again with a different type of primer, then proceed with painting it all over again. It was frustrating, but in the end I gained some knowledge—guess who learned how to test surfaces to see if the paint is oil based or water based before committing all that time to painting? Me! And guess who learned exactly what type of primer works best for said surfaces? I did! haha! And in the end, I finished the job with confidence that my work would last.
Tips for dealing with mistakes and failures:
Pause, assess, reframe: Ok you’ve messed something up or your working on something that just isn’t going the way you want. Sometimes it helps to put your tools down and walk away, leave the project alone for some time, then come back to it with a fresh perspective. This might help you come unstuck or to see a path forward that you weren’t seeing before.
Seek advice: Sometimes, seeking advice or guidance is the best thing to do. Hop on YouTube to find a tutorial, or reach out to a friend, someone you know or a professional for help on fixing the problem. Don’t be hard on yourself, you don’t know what you don’t know! Sometimes you need someone else with more experience to illuminate the unknowns for you.
Let it go and move on: Maybe you tried something that is truly not going to work out. Give yourself permission to feel crappy about it for a short period of time, but ultimately you’re going to leave it in the past and spend time understanding the lessons this experience can teach you. Let it be the fertilizer to help you grow.
Commit to doing things that you love
I write a lot about creativity and living well because I love doing those things. I love being creative and manifesting things from my mind into reality. I love feeling good, and get excited every time I gain strength, squash a bad habit or turn a negative into a positive. Life is full of little wins and I seek to bag a few of them every day. I hope you do this too.
If you’re feeling lost, I’d suggest taking the approach of “thowing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks.” Try a bunch of new things—give yourself space to try whatever you want. It could be anything—like taking a cermic pottery course, trying a new sport, taking a writing class or going to a book club. Whatever. Because you only have to do something a time or two to get a sense of whether or not it resonates with you. And you will know when something is resonating with you—it’s that feeling of when every part of you is saying Yes to a thing. Figure out what things strike a chord with your heart, and pursue those things. Your future self will thank you for trying out a bunch of new things to find what sticks. And for the things that don’t—oh well. Leave them behind! Lesson learned. Worst case, you’ll have a few good stories to tell! :)
If you’ve read this far, thank you. I really appreciate you being here with me.
How do you keep your confidence going? Please share any tips or advice in the comments section (on Substack)! I think we can learn from each other :)
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